Bathroom Wisdom
Don’t Let Your Septic System Back Up
Send it for a ride on the:
Noah
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said,
“Once again, the world has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of
all flesh before me. Six months shall pass before I will start the unending rain of 40
days and 40 nights. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with
a few good humans.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping, but no ark.
“Noah!”, he roared. “I am about to start the rain. Where is the ark?”
“Forgive me Lord, but things have changed. I need a building permit, and I have been
arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that
I will violate the zoning laws by building an ark in my yard, even though it is a temporary
structure! Currently, I am scheduled to appear before the variance board for approval.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future cost of
moving overhead power lines and other obstructions to clear passage of the ark to the sea.
I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood is another problem. The wild life preservation group has a ban on tree
cutting to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalist that I needed
the wood to save the owl but no go! When I started gathering the animals the animal
rights group sued me. They said that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued that the ark was restrictive as well as cruel and inhumane to put so many
animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I could not build the ark until they conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission as to how many
minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. Also the Union say’s I can’t use my
sons and have to hire only Union workers with ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the
country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least
ten years for me to finish this ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “you mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No.” said the Lord, “the government beat me to it.”
Who is Jack Schitt?
Many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when
someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you
can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six
children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins
Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married
Ted Sherlock, and since her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous
name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous
disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt
and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the
Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding notice in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt.”, you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
The Bagpiper
As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to
be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn’t stop
for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they
were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else
to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart
and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I’ve never played before for
this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They
wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started
for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for over 20 years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…..It’s a man thing.
A Little Girl on a Plane
An atheist, seated next to a little girl on an airplane, turned to her and said, “Do you want
to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What
would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell,
or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says,
“Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified
to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book.
Little Johnny says, “My Mommy’s idea of a
Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.”
Remember, A “royal flush” always beats
a “full house”!
What’s the Scoop on Poop?
Clean Poopie – The kind where you poop it out, see it
in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie – The kind where you wipe your butt 50
times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some
toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you
won’t ruin them with a skid mark.
Second Wave Poopie – This happens when you’re done
pooping and you’ve pulled up your pants to your knees,
and you realize that you have to poop some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie – The kind where you strain so much to get it out,
you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poopie – It’s so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Poopie – The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It’s most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poopie – The kind of poop that is so huge you’re afraid to flush without first
breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Poopie – Self-explanatory.
*Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie – The kind where you want to poop but all you do is
sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie – That’s where it hurts so bad coming out, you would swear it was
leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) – The kind that comes out of your butt so fast,
your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie – The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes
all over the toilet bowl.
The Surprise Poopie – You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you’re about to
fart, but oops…….a Poop!!!
The Dangling Poopie – This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you
are done pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Fishermen’s Bobber Poopie – That’s the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are
two people waiting for your stall, you poop and flush two times, but several golf ball size
pieces are still floating above the water line.
Richard Simmons Poopie – You poop so much you lose 30 pounds.
*Also known as the Wizard of Oz Poopie where all that comes out are a couple of munchkins and some music.
